And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
