she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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