Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
