census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
