he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
