Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
