I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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