Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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