Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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