Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
