dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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