am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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