what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My bed smells like the plague
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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