my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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