New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
