There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
