All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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