fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
