The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
