Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
