I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
