A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
