i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
