I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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