My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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