Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
