Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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