I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize