is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
