you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
