If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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