I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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