He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
