Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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