How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize