Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
