my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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