respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
