He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
