I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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