About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
