i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
this boner is exhausting
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
