She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
they're like a gay fantastic four
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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