My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's shark week go big or go home
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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