If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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