Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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