My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
