new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
