If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
