he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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