someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
