textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
