he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
