one might say we're banned from that church
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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