I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
