I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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