she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
