well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
nutella sex= disaster
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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