Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
