I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
